Overwhelmed without anchor
I've been feeling overwhelmed for the past few weeks. It always feels like I'm not doing enough. It always feels like I'm stressed out, but I don't see why.
I'm always feeling divided between things that I'm doing. Always living life inside of my head. Always trying to answer questions but not sticking with them for longer than a few seconds.
What am I so stressed about? Why do I feel like there's so much to do? What am I overwhelmed by? The questions I can answer to some degree, but not so sure about their accuracy.
One reason is that I'm not doing that ONE thing. I'm not following my anchor. I'm obsessive by nature and I need a target to go all in. One Target. I don't really have that at the moment.
When I think back on my childhood and teenage years, I had a definitive goal. I wanted to be an international cricketer. Later on, I wanted to be a professional wrestler. As far as I can remember, I was satisfied to have that one goal. I didn't question the Rights and Wrongs too much. I knew I wanted it and I tried to go for it and whatever ways I could.
I don't stick with anything for long anymore. I think maybe I'm lost in the whats and whys and how-to's
I fail to see what I want. Unfiltered. I'm always trying to see through the lens of what's possible. What's profitable, what's in my realm of skills, and shit like that. Not the best approach. I know.
My inner passion for writing has been bugging me. I shelved it for years, but it's been bugging me for the last two or three. I keep ignoring it for other things.
I need to see the value. I need to see what my efforts are doing. And, yes, I hold a job because I've got a family to support. But given the choice, I wouldn't do anything purely for sake of the money. That's probably why it can't stick with ideas for long enough. When I don't see any other positive effects rather than making money out of it.
I want to be peaceful. Piece. Is that anchor that I want? Peace of Mind. Peace of soul. But a peaceful life doing what? Doing something simply to put food on the table? Or something that feeds my soul? Something that doesn't feel like work? Something I can leave a legacy behind through?
Fuck. These are hard questions.
Or maybe really simple ones. If you listen.